I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
