final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
