the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
