I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
