You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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