wakey wakey hands off snakey
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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