I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
