He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
