dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.