I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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