She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
