Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
as a side note pls kill me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
