Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
