Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
