So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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