I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think I sprained my soul last night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
