are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
