when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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