I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
