I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
too bad you live with your parents still
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Four minutes until I can fart!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast