The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
