Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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