Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
