I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
