I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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