I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
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Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night