You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
