He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
