Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
