I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
