I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
