just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
