At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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