she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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