Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
