Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
