Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
