I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
