I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
