The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She made me pour olive oil on her.