He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.