census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
