She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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