so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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