Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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