if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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