party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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