Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
