Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
