my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
