Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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