sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
