Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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