i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
