She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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