Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
