Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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