Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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