So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
