Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
