so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
