i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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